Local gift finds for the mall-challenged
By Larry Nichols
PGN Staff Writer
© 2007 Philadelphia Gay News

For more ideas see also our related Gift Guide: Special Advertising Section

Shopping malls are enough to make everyone scream “Bah, humbug!” at the top of their lungs in a frothing Republican-like Scrooge-ish rage. Mall shopping is a miserable experience. And that’s just during regular shopping days.

And during the holidays ... forget it. Every spare inch of floor space is crowded with those damn seasonal push-carts overflowing with the lamest gift ideas this side of QVC at 3 a.m., populated with the most desperate of salespeople — college-age “Glengarry Glen Ross” wannabes trying to save up money for the appropriate amount of liver damage at spring break. Parents are scrambling to find the hot overpriced item that the toy and video-game companies didn’t make enough of this year that sold out somewhere around Thanksgiving. Then if you’re really unlucky, you’ll be in the mall at the exact time the local high-school or church chorus gets trucked in to sing holiday “favorites” in front of Boscov’s with all the flair of an “American Idol” audition.

SOLEIL Photos: Larry Nichols

That’s to say the shopping malls aren’t good for something. Maybe you feel like eating at Panda Express or can’t live without a trip to Yankee Candle Company. So, screw the mall. Here are some fun alternatives for holiday shopping that can be found without leaving the Gayborhood.

Books are always an excellent gift idea because a house with a full bookshelf gives a complete stranger the impression that the person who lives there is cultured.

Giovanni’s Room, 345 S. 12th St., (215) 923-2960, can help bibliophiles of all sorts this holiday season with a wide array of gift ideas for the discerning GLBT reader.

“The God Box,” by Lambda Literary Award-winning author Alex Sanchez, is an especially hot and timely novel for the holiday season that explores what it means to be both religious and gay.

12TH STREET GYM

If gay teenage angst is what you’re looking for (to read, not date), check out “Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You,” a novel by Peter Cameron hailed as a gay coming-of-age tale in the tradition of “The Catcher in the Rye.”

If your book gift-giving (or gift-hinting) leans more toward eye candy, then look no further than “Bliss: The Art of Patrick Fillion,” a collection of illustrations of well-hung heroes fighting against and with each other. If your tastes veer toward more classical visual fare with a little bit of gay history thrown in, check out “Hard Boys,” a collection of drawings by Harry Bush for magazines such as Physique Pictorial, Touch, Drummer and Stroke. Despite Bush’s long periods of self-imposed retirement and a fear of being outed that led him to destroy much of his own work, the reclusive artist’s drawings are as recognized and recognizable as those of Tom of Finland throughout the 1960s-’70s.

It is nigh or impossible not to find a great gift at Philadelphia Home and Garden, 1225 Walnut St., (215) 627-0461. The specialty art and home-decor business overflows with creative and unique gift ideas from the seriously stylish to the hilariously campy.

PHAG

Two of the so-wrong-it’s-right gifts we’ve seen this season can be found at PHAG, the first being “God’s Gift: Over 100 Studs, Stallions and Dreamboats from the ’70s and ’80s.” This (alleged) sexy collection of over 100 Lotharios, Romeos and Casanovas features hairy chests, cheesy smiles and improbable haircuts from the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Patrick Swayze, Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds and Mr. T (yeah, that’s right, Mr. T­—figure that out). If you don’t know who any of those people are, we hope all your Christmas toys contain lead and the date-rape drug.

Anyone who doesn’t fall out of his chair at the first glance of “Liberace: Your Personal Fashion Consultant” is one bold and hardy individual. This punch-out photo book, featuring photographs of Liberace in the most outrageous of outfits, is quite possibly the gayest thing ever committed to print. It’s a tsunami of kitsch not unlike getting every episode of “Solid Gold” downloaded into your skull all at once. If you don’t wear protective eyewear when flipping through this book, the reflection from the billions and billions of sequins and rhinestones will punch a hole through your retina.

PHAG also carries more pragmatic gifts like its stylish “Lush” series bar and stemware ranging from boa-ed martini glasses and wine goblets to velvet wine totes. And to prove the owners have thought of everything, PHAG also carries the Hangover Recovery Kit, containing a hot pink eye mask with jewels spelling out “never again” on the front and a matching ice pack.

CHARTREUSE

If you want to impress someone this holiday season with uniqueness and class, Chartreuse, 1200 Spruce St., (215) 545-7711, has what you need to make the holidays distinctive. Chartreuse has a reputation as one of the most beautiful floral shops in the city and features a collection of handcrafted objects designed by talented artists.

Thomas (Tom) Hoffmann is one of the artists whose work is featured at Chartreuse, and the store is the only place in the area where one can purchase items from his Drag Collection, a quirky collection of colorful and eccentric statues depicting his cool characters.

While you’re at Chartreuse, make sure you check out the store’s line of Diva tree ornaments as well.

CHARTREUSE

Anybody can say it with diamonds, but it takes a real gift-giver to say it with canvas.

Not buying it? OK.

But Absolute Abstract, 141 S. 13th St., (215) 733-0190, still gets a gold star for the tasty hot apple cider provided for those perusing the impressive selection of more than 1,500 top-quality, custom-sized prints on canvas to decorate homes or offices. One can also check out the store’s new Pop Art collection featuring smaller-size, pop-culture friendly pieces at affordable gift-giving prices.

Even if you have no interest in Fruit Flowers, 135 S. 13th St., (215) 353-8844, you have to at least walk into the place. The air inside is so pleasantly and overwhelmingly fruity that it feels like you’ve had an entire package of Starburst injected directly into your bloodstream.

Fruit Flowers specializes in floral bouquets made entirely out of freshly cut summer fruit and offers a number of arrangements for the holidays, including a “Festive Hanukkah” arrangement, which includes a Dreidle, and the downright sinful-looking “Prancing Reindeer,” which features marshmallow-filled berries, chocolate-topped marshmallows and reindeer-shaped pineapple slices. Yum!

ABSOLUTE ABSTRACTS

Modern Eye, 145 S. 13th St., (215) 922-0775, is known for carrying the hottest eyewear around, but what happens if you don’t know the prescription of that special someone? You can still make them look cool with Modern Eye’s (ahem) eye-popping line of T-shirts with the Modern Eye twist on the classic beefcake and cheesecake photos of the ’50s.

If you know someone who wants to maintain his/her physique (or rehab one that is shot to hell), 12th Street Gym, 204 S. 12th St., (215) 985-4092, with eight floors of activities and equipment and 60 personal trainers on staff, offers gift memberships ranging from six months to three years. If that individual also happens to be on the pasty side, gift cards are available next door at Soleil, 202 S. 12th St., (215) 735-8786, a full-service tanning center that offers three-month and one-year memberships.

FRUIT FLOWERS

If your gift-giving tends to be more naughty than nice, there’s no better place to find your own brand of toys than Danny’s, 133 S. 13th St., (215) 925-5041. There’s a wide selection of erotic playthings to satisfy most needs, but the helpful people behind the counter singled out the Aneros (www.aneros.com) as the hot toy that all the boys will be asking for this season.

The Aneros is a hands-free device specifically designed for prostate stimulation that uses no batteries or electronically induced vibrations. Apparently, the Aneros, with six models to choose from, is able to transform the body’s own energy for an intense, toe-curling effect.

Doggie Style, 114 S. 13th St., (215) 545-4100, is the place to go if you want to pamper your pets for the holiday (or get equipped for some kinky role-playing if you’re still in naughty mode). But don’t tell the people behind the counter that’s the case, because they may not be as open-minded as the folks at Danny’s.

DOGGIE STYLE

Anyway, Doggie Style has all the things you need to make your Precious or FuFu or Smooches — whatever humiliating name you call your “best friend” — feel like a total bottle- of- Cristal- in- the- VIP- room celebrity. Yes, all the other dogs will want to sniff your dog’s posterior in envy when he or she struts her stuff in the park with a blinged-out “diva collar” (two gold stars for anyone who puts the hot pink diva collar on the biggest, butchiest, scariest pit bull they can find ... we want pictures!) and a doggy manicure with a fresh glittery coat of Color Paw nail polish. OK. Sweaters are one thing, but if your dog does not try to rip out your throat as you try to paint his or her nails, he loves you more than riding with his head out of the window.

Larry Nichols can be reached at larry@epgn.com.